9/20/08
Have you ever felt like now is the time to make a choice of which direction you are going to take? You have the choice to go towards the right path, the one that is tougher yet more fulfilling, or the other more traveled and easier road. When i was younger I had a prophecy told to me about my life. They stated that I was like a flower, that with nurturing and perseverance I would become a bright light for Christ. Though it is rather generic, it makes sense to me now. I look back on my life and realize the numerous opportunities presented to be more, all by pursuing God and His righteous path. What's that mean in the real world to me...well right now I am really struggling with entertainment I allow myself to be exposed to. I have obviously edited my choices when my kids are around, but I started thinking if it is not right when the kids are present, then what makes it OK for me when I'm with other adults?
A problem for me in this pursuit is that many of the adults I surround myself with do not have the same passion that I do to purify their lives, so my actions seem hypocritical and I gain little support when I'm weak. Luckily Ryan has been on board so far in not watching the things that offend my sense of purity, though I'm still seeking what those boundaries are. I pray that the Spirit gives me wisdom and discernment when I have areas of question.
That issue aside, I feel God pulling me in His direction. Asking me to start purifying myself. For what I obviously don't know, maybe just to have a deeper relationship with Him. I just want a real and fulfilling relationship with Jesus.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Getting Closer to God
December 20, 2000
When talking to several people and reading different books everyone has a different view on how to get closer to God. The one thing they did have in common, and most likely because Jesus himself did it, were quiet times. Regardless if you spend 4 hours, 30 minutes, or 5 with Him it is personal and is what suits our personality best. No matter your style we all need to have quiet times with the Lord.
Find the time to worship, meditate and pray!
When talking to several people and reading different books everyone has a different view on how to get closer to God. The one thing they did have in common, and most likely because Jesus himself did it, were quiet times. Regardless if you spend 4 hours, 30 minutes, or 5 with Him it is personal and is what suits our personality best. No matter your style we all need to have quiet times with the Lord.
Find the time to worship, meditate and pray!
A prayer
I often write out my prayers, because in seeing it in text it makes it more powerful to me, and I can feel the strength in the words. In going back through my journals I see such power in my prayers, and i realize that those words are not from me, but rather the Spirit. So it is so awesome to see the Spirit in the words of my prayer, the Spirit in a tangible form.
October 28, 2000
October 28, 2000
I knew I had some things that were not of you
So I prayed that you'd take them from me
I knew my eyes were not on you
So I prayed that you would show me
Give me strength and give me patience
Lord, fill me with your joy
I want to be closer to you
But I need to first get rid of me
Give me the confidence that I can do it
Yet keep my feet planted and my head grounded
My heart's desire is you
But my flesh gets in the way
May I bathe in fire in hopes to grow in you
May my flesh die to be with you
I cry out from brokenness, a prayer that I prayed
Your comforting Spirit provides rest
And we press on
The pain persist
And even though I can't hear or feel you
I know you're there, guiding and protecting
You're the Love of my life
You know me better than the thoughts of thy-self
Thank you suffering servant
You are the almighty of everything
Guilt
Sometime in 2000
I feel completely surrounded by my wrong doings. My past is filled with things better left unsaid. But those things don't even compare to the things that I have done since becoming a Christian. I can get over the things from the past, because I can claim ignorance "I wasn't a Christian then." Once you become a Christian you have these set of rules to live by, you now know the truth, which makes doing wrong that much harder.
Oh, the pain that I feel when I do wrong against God. I cry harder than I do with anything else. I cry with everything that I am. From the pit of my stomach I scream to God to forgive me. Other times I don't even bring my faults to Him because I'm so ashamed, (as if He didn't already know them!)
The guilt creeps up behind me, and when I'm the weakest, it whispers in my ear, "you know the truth, yet you still do it. You are a horrible person, why should God forgive you?" I start thinking about the verse in Romans 7:15
I feel completely surrounded by my wrong doings. My past is filled with things better left unsaid. But those things don't even compare to the things that I have done since becoming a Christian. I can get over the things from the past, because I can claim ignorance "I wasn't a Christian then." Once you become a Christian you have these set of rules to live by, you now know the truth, which makes doing wrong that much harder.
Oh, the pain that I feel when I do wrong against God. I cry harder than I do with anything else. I cry with everything that I am. From the pit of my stomach I scream to God to forgive me. Other times I don't even bring my faults to Him because I'm so ashamed, (as if He didn't already know them!)
The guilt creeps up behind me, and when I'm the weakest, it whispers in my ear, "you know the truth, yet you still do it. You are a horrible person, why should God forgive you?" I start thinking about the verse in Romans 7:15
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."
I know exactly what Paul is talking about. Why do I do those things, all I want is to be good with God. This is where Satan loves to see us, he is at both extremes--either he can help you feel guilty and condemn yourself, or he can help justify your actions with the worlds example.
You can either be like Judas or Peter in dealing with your guilt. Judas hung himself, Peter built the Church! Press on or be Consumed!
Personal Glorification
Sometime in 2000
When we try to achieve success on our own we would surly fail, because we don't allow God to do it with us. So many times we set our own plans for life, but we fail to recognize that God has a much better plan for us if we would just listen.
Proverbs 16:9
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
The moment we start seeking glorification for ourselves is the moment we take our eyes off of Christ. That's when we hurt other people and mistreat them.
So let the Lord lead you, let Him light your path instead of lighting your own.
By seeking glorification you've achieved your goal just like the Pharisees did when they fasted in public. They got people's attention. But is that how you want people to see you? Or do you want them to see who you are with Christ?
When we try to achieve success on our own we would surly fail, because we don't allow God to do it with us. So many times we set our own plans for life, but we fail to recognize that God has a much better plan for us if we would just listen.
Proverbs 16:9
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
The moment we start seeking glorification for ourselves is the moment we take our eyes off of Christ. That's when we hurt other people and mistreat them.
So let the Lord lead you, let Him light your path instead of lighting your own.
By seeking glorification you've achieved your goal just like the Pharisees did when they fasted in public. They got people's attention. But is that how you want people to see you? Or do you want them to see who you are with Christ?
Pathways of life
I love analogies, it helps me understand a concept better. So I have come up with many of them to explain life. I found this one in my journal and thought it perfect in explaining life in the process of becoming a believer.
November 17, 2000
Pathways of life:
Forest-- Life with Satan. Branches and bushes always pressing on you. Can't see through, very dense, dark and always getting lost. No direction, no hope.
Grassy Hill--What people think when they first become Christians. They believe things will be perfect, no hard times, flowers everywhere. But then a storm comes, and flushes the grassy hill into a muddy mess. There are no solid rocks or firm foundations yet to be found. They have two choices, turn back to the path that is known (the forest) or press on-ward to the unknown having FAITH that a firm place will be found.
Highway--Mature Christian life. Been traveled before, with plenty of hills, bumps and pot holes. Though there is always direction, always hope. Sometimes you pass people on the road, other times people pass you. A map is available that highlights travels of others. You can take a detour, but there is always a route back, with access to exit and entry ramps. Always something to look forward to, the end destination. Regardless of storms, there is always the firm foundation of the highway to lead you through. There is always hope when your faith is put into the pathway.
November 17, 2000
Pathways of life:
Forest-- Life with Satan. Branches and bushes always pressing on you. Can't see through, very dense, dark and always getting lost. No direction, no hope.
Grassy Hill--What people think when they first become Christians. They believe things will be perfect, no hard times, flowers everywhere. But then a storm comes, and flushes the grassy hill into a muddy mess. There are no solid rocks or firm foundations yet to be found. They have two choices, turn back to the path that is known (the forest) or press on-ward to the unknown having FAITH that a firm place will be found.
Highway--Mature Christian life. Been traveled before, with plenty of hills, bumps and pot holes. Though there is always direction, always hope. Sometimes you pass people on the road, other times people pass you. A map is available that highlights travels of others. You can take a detour, but there is always a route back, with access to exit and entry ramps. Always something to look forward to, the end destination. Regardless of storms, there is always the firm foundation of the highway to lead you through. There is always hope when your faith is put into the pathway.
Easy way out?
November 16, 2000
"I know you want to see if I'll hold on thru these trials...but lift this load and let me dance"
-Mary, Mary "Shackles"
Satan will give us the easy way out, but use Jesus as our example. It wasn't easy for Him to know He was going to die. He stayed strong and followed God's will. Satan gave Him many opportunities to get out of it. As example, when Peter denied that Jesus was going to die, Jesus exclaimed "Away from me Satan."
God never said it would be easy, actually He stated it would be harder. It is easy to die, than to live daily for Christ.
Be joyous in your trials, God will strengthen you. Don't follow Satan to the easy way out.
"I know you want to see if I'll hold on thru these trials...but lift this load and let me dance"
-Mary, Mary "Shackles"
Satan will give us the easy way out, but use Jesus as our example. It wasn't easy for Him to know He was going to die. He stayed strong and followed God's will. Satan gave Him many opportunities to get out of it. As example, when Peter denied that Jesus was going to die, Jesus exclaimed "Away from me Satan."
God never said it would be easy, actually He stated it would be harder. It is easy to die, than to live daily for Christ.
Be joyous in your trials, God will strengthen you. Don't follow Satan to the easy way out.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
test of faith?
2/8/03
God says seek me, and you will find me when you seek with all your heart. I ask for guidance and wisdom and he says He'll give it abundantly. Yet I find no wisdom, or gain guidance. Is this just a test of faith?
God says seek me, and you will find me when you seek with all your heart. I ask for guidance and wisdom and he says He'll give it abundantly. Yet I find no wisdom, or gain guidance. Is this just a test of faith?
In the Lap of God
April 25, 2002
I crawl into the lap of God. I press my head up against His chest. He wraps His arms around me tightly, just enough to feel His security. I weep for my fears and hurts are chasing me. My eyes are foggy and discernment is hard. So i cling closer to Him, and beg that He never lets me go. But He loves me so much that He desires the best, so He slowly lets me down. He brushes off the dirt and grime from my falls. He cleans me up and brings me new clothes, for my others were badly tattered and torn. He places His hand on my shoulder, as to reassure me of His love.
He then embraces me, and I wish it would never end for the comfort I receive is indescribable. He turns me around facing the opposite direction. My fears approach me as if ready to pounce.
I start to turn back to face Him, but He gently grabs my shoulders and plants me back again.
He whispers in my ear, "I have always loved you, and I always will. I desire the utmost for your life. However, that doesn't mean that I won't let you fall. It just means that I will always be there to pick you back up. I will lead you by ways you have not known, along unfamiliar paths, I will guide. I will turn the darkness into light before you and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do, I will never forsake or leave you."
These words reassure me, and I slowly start making steps down a path placed before me. As time goes on I sometimes skip down the path, whereas other times I crawl. Either way I always hear a voice say, "wherever you turn to the right or the left, yours ears will hear a voice behind you saying, this is the way, walk in it."
My prayer:
God you have been so faithful to me. Gently lifted me up when I fell. You picked me up and placed me on your lap. And you sang to me, sang to me. I wept and cried, the pain almost unbearable. But every now and then I would hear that song of peace, hope and love and know you were near. Thank you God for being faithful!
I crawl into the lap of God. I press my head up against His chest. He wraps His arms around me tightly, just enough to feel His security. I weep for my fears and hurts are chasing me. My eyes are foggy and discernment is hard. So i cling closer to Him, and beg that He never lets me go. But He loves me so much that He desires the best, so He slowly lets me down. He brushes off the dirt and grime from my falls. He cleans me up and brings me new clothes, for my others were badly tattered and torn. He places His hand on my shoulder, as to reassure me of His love.
He then embraces me, and I wish it would never end for the comfort I receive is indescribable. He turns me around facing the opposite direction. My fears approach me as if ready to pounce.
I start to turn back to face Him, but He gently grabs my shoulders and plants me back again.
He whispers in my ear, "I have always loved you, and I always will. I desire the utmost for your life. However, that doesn't mean that I won't let you fall. It just means that I will always be there to pick you back up. I will lead you by ways you have not known, along unfamiliar paths, I will guide. I will turn the darkness into light before you and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do, I will never forsake or leave you."
These words reassure me, and I slowly start making steps down a path placed before me. As time goes on I sometimes skip down the path, whereas other times I crawl. Either way I always hear a voice say, "wherever you turn to the right or the left, yours ears will hear a voice behind you saying, this is the way, walk in it."
My prayer:
God you have been so faithful to me. Gently lifted me up when I fell. You picked me up and placed me on your lap. And you sang to me, sang to me. I wept and cried, the pain almost unbearable. But every now and then I would hear that song of peace, hope and love and know you were near. Thank you God for being faithful!
Seek God not the fleece
April 6, 2001
When we give God the chance to move, to give us an answer, like putting out a fleece; we are seeking the result instead of God Himself. For example, when we say "if he calls tomorrow, then I know we are suppose to go out." That is seeking results, instead of seeking God. Results vary, but God is constant. So seek God, not the answer to your question. When you seek just Him, things will work out in His will, even with the fleece.
When we give God the chance to move, to give us an answer, like putting out a fleece; we are seeking the result instead of God Himself. For example, when we say "if he calls tomorrow, then I know we are suppose to go out." That is seeking results, instead of seeking God. Results vary, but God is constant. So seek God, not the answer to your question. When you seek just Him, things will work out in His will, even with the fleece.
Be respected
I have been going through my journals from years past and seeing how I have grown and changed. This entry really got me. I am a mother of girls, and I pray that they always hold men to a standard of respect, so they won't have to go through some of the things I did because I didn't value myself. I'll admit that reading some of my entries, brings me back to that place of pain and I almost get stunted. But then I remember who I am, and more importantly who I am in connection with (my husband, my children, my family and friends). This gives me strength and I see my past as a way to share with others in hopes they won't repeat my mistakes.
March 10, 2001
Tonight I hung out with J, L, A and Dewey. Well L made a comment about putting out. He was talking about setting me up with this guy who really likes me. He said, "I told him you put out, I mean go out." Although this offended me I just let it slide, and didn't say anything.
So later that night I get a call from Dewey. He tells me that the comment was disrespectful. He said that it really offended him and wanted me to know that I'm worth more than that. He told me I'm awesome and very special; and I should never be told things like that.
It totally opened my eyes. By him saying that it made me believe that i am worth more than that. Even though I know L was joking, it still showed how he didn't respect women, or me.
Dewey explained that he even tried to talk to J about how saying things like that aren't weren't right, but J just defended L's comments. So i decided to talk to J about it, (since he was my closest friend in that group.) He told me that I could talk to L about it, I could handle it. That goes to show where he stands too.
I need guy friends who respect me and women. I guess I believed that since I wasn't worth anything, that people can say things like that to me. If I started acting out my worth, I would be strong and confident.
I know there is a fine line, friends should be able to joke with each other, but only when there are limits in place. So where should those limits be drawn? Holy Spirit maybe you could help show me, through people like Dewey or whatever, just show me. I need to be respected!
March 10, 2001
Tonight I hung out with J, L, A and Dewey. Well L made a comment about putting out. He was talking about setting me up with this guy who really likes me. He said, "I told him you put out, I mean go out." Although this offended me I just let it slide, and didn't say anything.
So later that night I get a call from Dewey. He tells me that the comment was disrespectful. He said that it really offended him and wanted me to know that I'm worth more than that. He told me I'm awesome and very special; and I should never be told things like that.
It totally opened my eyes. By him saying that it made me believe that i am worth more than that. Even though I know L was joking, it still showed how he didn't respect women, or me.
Dewey explained that he even tried to talk to J about how saying things like that aren't weren't right, but J just defended L's comments. So i decided to talk to J about it, (since he was my closest friend in that group.) He told me that I could talk to L about it, I could handle it. That goes to show where he stands too.
I need guy friends who respect me and women. I guess I believed that since I wasn't worth anything, that people can say things like that to me. If I started acting out my worth, I would be strong and confident.
I know there is a fine line, friends should be able to joke with each other, but only when there are limits in place. So where should those limits be drawn? Holy Spirit maybe you could help show me, through people like Dewey or whatever, just show me. I need to be respected!
"Who am I?"
Journal Entry July 31, 2001
A question everyone asks themselves is "who am I?" So we seek out the answer in the everyday situation of our lives. but what we find is conformity and generality. As Os Guinness says, "we become prisoners of our category, be it gender, class, race, generation, or ancestry. Our individuality is ignored." But who is it ignored by, society or ourselves? In my opinion, I believe it to be ourselves, which may have been caused by society. None the less, today as a whole we try to be like others, like the movie stars, like sports stars, music stars, or just the popular people on campus. We are afraid to let the unique side out, out of fear of rejection by others. But what we realize is that we aren't being fair to ourselves, and we soon grow very tired of being someone we're not.
So seeking out who we truly are. There is only one place to go, to the very being who created us, God! He of course carefully designed us to have all the traits we have in order for us to bring glory to Him. He has called us for a certain life and with that life comes situations that need specific traits to work it out. So having a unique call on our lives, hence needing certain traits to accommodate the call; only when we respond to the call and take action do we come to grasp our unique traits.
"Only when we respond to Christ and follow His call do we become our real selves and come to have personalities of our own." -Os Guinness
" The more we get what we now call 'ourselves' our of the way and let Him take us over, the more truly ourselves we become."
-C.S. Lewis
But seeing as we are human and fail to complete the work of God in us, although He still uses it to bring Him glory, we will never know completely who we are. But is that all bad? No, for we need God all the more to motivate and direct us. For as Os Guinness says, "Modern people have things completely back to front: Professing to be unsure of God, they pretend to be sure of themselves. Followers of Christ put things the other way around: Unsure of ourselves, we are sure of God." So when seeking 'self,' seek your calling, seek God. For He is the only true answer to such a question. Never conform out of fear, be proud of individualism, seek it out!"
"Do you want to know the secret of the mystery of your very being and rise to become what you were born to be? Listen to Jesus of Nazareth, answer His call." -OS Guinness
A question everyone asks themselves is "who am I?" So we seek out the answer in the everyday situation of our lives. but what we find is conformity and generality. As Os Guinness says, "we become prisoners of our category, be it gender, class, race, generation, or ancestry. Our individuality is ignored." But who is it ignored by, society or ourselves? In my opinion, I believe it to be ourselves, which may have been caused by society. None the less, today as a whole we try to be like others, like the movie stars, like sports stars, music stars, or just the popular people on campus. We are afraid to let the unique side out, out of fear of rejection by others. But what we realize is that we aren't being fair to ourselves, and we soon grow very tired of being someone we're not.
So seeking out who we truly are. There is only one place to go, to the very being who created us, God! He of course carefully designed us to have all the traits we have in order for us to bring glory to Him. He has called us for a certain life and with that life comes situations that need specific traits to work it out. So having a unique call on our lives, hence needing certain traits to accommodate the call; only when we respond to the call and take action do we come to grasp our unique traits.
"Only when we respond to Christ and follow His call do we become our real selves and come to have personalities of our own." -Os Guinness
" The more we get what we now call 'ourselves' our of the way and let Him take us over, the more truly ourselves we become."
-C.S. Lewis
But seeing as we are human and fail to complete the work of God in us, although He still uses it to bring Him glory, we will never know completely who we are. But is that all bad? No, for we need God all the more to motivate and direct us. For as Os Guinness says, "Modern people have things completely back to front: Professing to be unsure of God, they pretend to be sure of themselves. Followers of Christ put things the other way around: Unsure of ourselves, we are sure of God." So when seeking 'self,' seek your calling, seek God. For He is the only true answer to such a question. Never conform out of fear, be proud of individualism, seek it out!"
"Do you want to know the secret of the mystery of your very being and rise to become what you were born to be? Listen to Jesus of Nazareth, answer His call." -OS Guinness
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