Though the subject of dating is hopefully a long way off I have to start thinking about what I would like to see happen not only in my kids decisions but in my parenting. I went to a small school of 750 K-12, and was in Kindergarten with the same 50 people till graduation. So I never dated my classmates. In fact my first boyfriend was when I was a senior in high school and he was friends with my home-schooled friends. So my dating experience is limited. But I do know that the relationships I got into later were very unhealthy and often one-sided.
It's easy to look back now and see how pointless "dating" is, and how often times it just creates heartache too soon, but I also remember the longing I had to be like other girls and to be desired and pursued. What I would love to see my girls do is to be friends with lots of guys, to not "date" per se, but to have crushes and mutual friendships.
Why do people "date"? I'm guessing it is for different reasons, but what is often the girls reason? To be loved, to be desired. This is the way that God created women, therefore making this desire pure and noble, however it must be in the proper context, which is when two become one in marriage. Though being desired by other men is an ego boost, it is empty and momentary, because they are not your life partner. But how do I explain this to my girls when they have a perspective of a middle schooler?
First off I believe that the father's relationship has a lot to do with promoting healthy relationships with the opposite sex. I think one of the biggest actions to prove their value is to make TIME for his daughters and to LISTEN to what they have to say. This means no advice, no judgements, no arguments, just questions and affirmation of feelings. This shows the daughter that their male example cherishes their time, their opinion and their feelings. This is huge for a little girl who only wants to have their father's approval. And if they know their worth by their father's behavior then they will be much more willing to condemn behavior that is not edifying.
The mother also has a chance to model behavior for their daughters. The way the mom interacts with the opposite sex, what she tolerates in language and behavior, how she dresses and behaves are all examples to her daughters on what is appropriate with the opposite sex.
The marriage itself is another example for the kids to watch and emulate. The interactions, the conflict, the resolutions, the intimacy, are all becoming "norms" for our kids. I know that this is my biggest struggle, and I'm aware how it's impacting my kids, but it is still so hard to change when it becomes a pattern.
And lastly, education. Hopefully my kids will be involved in youth groups, have wise mentors, and a good group of friends. This is where kids gain the most information. I hope that they see and hear messages that being friends is much more valuable than dating.
So what is my stance on dating?.... I believe that I will HIGHLY discourage it in high school, (middle school I'm hoping that dating just means you are BF's and GF's on facebook and at school and nothing else). But I will NOT forbid it, that promotes dissension and testing. I rather my kids make their own decisions, but within my parental guidelines. I will provide ideas like taking a group of kids mixed genders to go bowling, or watch a movie. I will open my house to have group of kids play games or watch movies. Boundaries would be no mixed genders in bedrooms at any time or behind closed doors, lights will be on, and parents will be coming in and out of rooms.
What if my daughters ask me if they can go to a movie by themselves, or start dating etc. I think that I would ask them why. I would ask why they rather do this individually than in a group, why this guy, why this time. I would try my best to ask questions so I understand what is prompting her to make that decision. If she still insists to do it individually, then I will still apply my own boundaries within reason. An awesome example of a rule of curfew came from my supervisor in grad school who has three teens. She stated that she does not have a specific curfew for every night, instead it is specific to the event or circumstance. For example, if her kids were going to a concert with a bunch of friends then she could stay out later, if the kids were just hanging out at IHOP then the time frame would be different. The parents don't even use the word curfew, they discuss with their kids the time frame, and just tell them to be home at that time.
I guess the bottom line is I want my girls to feel valued, to not give their heart or body out carelessly, to expect respect from guys, and to have a teenaged experience they can be proud of!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Depression
I think I have struggled with Depression for many years, though it did not come to a place of extreme until after I had Haylee. That is when the chemical imbalance became so bad that it truly threatened my life. I sought medicinal treatment and have balanced out into a healthy place. I have tired weaning off the medication many times, only to find that I am unbearable to myself and those around me. My depression transforms into anger, irritability, lack of energy to the point of laziness, and apathy. These emotions are quite scary when you are out of control. It is easier now that I am out of the darkness to explain what it was like, because now I know that there is hope.
Depression takes over every aspect of your life. It becomes your identity and your personality. It becomes who you think you really are, and thoughts of being someone else is almost a fantasy. If it had not been for the extreme anxiety as seen in my behavior and panic attacks I don't know if I would have sought treatment, even being a therapist myself. The reason being is that there seemed to be no definition of what was me and what was the depression, it was all ME! I now see that in fact the depression and the way it expressed its self through me, was never fully me or who I'm made to be. Therefore when I start seeing my symptoms of depression, I immediately assess my medication dosages, if I have missed a dose, if there is some hormonal aspect (time in my cycle), external stressors, etc. This is a reminder to myself that this behavior is not Me, this is not who I am, nor who I want to be.
Chemical Imbalances are genetic. I am certain that on both sides of my parents families there are imbalances that has caused a multitude of coping habits and behavioral traits that are unhealthy and damaging. I want my children to know that we can break this cycle, we can make it through the pain of depression and anxiety. That there is hope. It may mean intensive therapy and medical interventions, but there is hope that this pain does not have to shape who you are!
Depression takes over every aspect of your life. It becomes your identity and your personality. It becomes who you think you really are, and thoughts of being someone else is almost a fantasy. If it had not been for the extreme anxiety as seen in my behavior and panic attacks I don't know if I would have sought treatment, even being a therapist myself. The reason being is that there seemed to be no definition of what was me and what was the depression, it was all ME! I now see that in fact the depression and the way it expressed its self through me, was never fully me or who I'm made to be. Therefore when I start seeing my symptoms of depression, I immediately assess my medication dosages, if I have missed a dose, if there is some hormonal aspect (time in my cycle), external stressors, etc. This is a reminder to myself that this behavior is not Me, this is not who I am, nor who I want to be.
Chemical Imbalances are genetic. I am certain that on both sides of my parents families there are imbalances that has caused a multitude of coping habits and behavioral traits that are unhealthy and damaging. I want my children to know that we can break this cycle, we can make it through the pain of depression and anxiety. That there is hope. It may mean intensive therapy and medical interventions, but there is hope that this pain does not have to shape who you are!
Promotes healing
Children repair parts in our hearts we didn't even know where broken.
They provide healing with their smiles and laughter.
They give strength when they are burdened and fearful.
They create completion, wholeness and hope!
August 8th, 2010
Search my Heart
"Since the Lord is directing our steps, why try to understand everything that happens along the way?" -Proverbs 20:24 (Living Bible translation)
Do you realize that you are not to walk by your feelings but simply by the naked, unadulterated truth of what God says?
Feelings play a powerful role in our lives, but they must be weighed against the reality of God's word and His wisdom. Trusting our feelings, which can shift like waves in a wind-tossed storm, can destroy relationships, take lives and render a person impotent and unable to cope with everyday situations of life. Feelings can keep you from attaining the calling God has on your life. They can keep you from stepping out in faith. Perhaps your feelings are out of control because of a hormonal or chemical imbalance. Or perhaps you have believed one of Satan's lies. Check with your doctor and check in the Word of God. Whatever the cause, God tells you to bring every thought, every feeling captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). If you will believe God's word-no matter what your feelings-victory will come.
-June 9th, year unknown
Do you realize that you are not to walk by your feelings but simply by the naked, unadulterated truth of what God says?
Feelings play a powerful role in our lives, but they must be weighed against the reality of God's word and His wisdom. Trusting our feelings, which can shift like waves in a wind-tossed storm, can destroy relationships, take lives and render a person impotent and unable to cope with everyday situations of life. Feelings can keep you from attaining the calling God has on your life. They can keep you from stepping out in faith. Perhaps your feelings are out of control because of a hormonal or chemical imbalance. Or perhaps you have believed one of Satan's lies. Check with your doctor and check in the Word of God. Whatever the cause, God tells you to bring every thought, every feeling captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). If you will believe God's word-no matter what your feelings-victory will come.
-June 9th, year unknown
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Life Lessons
The kids and I were shopping after Christmas this year. While in the store Haylee and sophie's hair had a lot of static in it. When haylee found out that her hair was sticking up all over the place, she immediately wanted to go put water on it. I asked her why she wanted to do that so badly, she explained that she didn't want people to laugh at her because of her crazy hair. My heart stopped. haylee is 4, and yet she has already developed a sense of self-consciousness. This is such a fallen world, i have to remind myself. She has slowly developed the curse that God talked about in the Garden after the fall, the recognition of being Naked. I knew the day would come, but so soon, really??
I knew in that moment that I had a chance for education and promotion of healthy identity. So I told her no one would laugh at her. But then i realized that is not true, there will always be people who would laugh.
So I then told her that everyone has static hair in the winter time, that it is normal. Again I promote a false sense of security, when the truth is though it is normal, not everyone will have "crazy hair," therefore providing potential to feel more different and unworthy.
So I gave her the best I could, even if people laugh it's ok! I said that it's true her hair is crazy and it does look a little funny, and that means she can laugh at herself. If other people laugh you could agree with them, "yeah your right, it does look crazy!" But just because you look crazy or people laugh doesn't mean there is anything bad about you! It doesn't mean that you aren't pretty or worthy to be admired or loved.
In that conversation I thought so many things at once, I felt anger at the potential bullies she could have in the future, and hatred for the feelings she could develop towards herself that says she isn't pretty or worth anything. I felt helpless too, that I couldn't protect my baby from harm or hurt feelings. Oddly enough I also felt empowered that I could help prepare her for the harsh world and the things to come. Too much at once!!
When she said those words I literally stopped my world, got down on my knees and told her the truth that this world is mean, that you do look a little crazy, but that you are still beautiful, that you will be loved regardless your appearance or behavior, and that it's ok to laugh at yourself!! Now I just have to wait and see what kind of seed was planted, if any, and hope it turns into a strong and beautiful tree!
I knew in that moment that I had a chance for education and promotion of healthy identity. So I told her no one would laugh at her. But then i realized that is not true, there will always be people who would laugh.
So I then told her that everyone has static hair in the winter time, that it is normal. Again I promote a false sense of security, when the truth is though it is normal, not everyone will have "crazy hair," therefore providing potential to feel more different and unworthy.
So I gave her the best I could, even if people laugh it's ok! I said that it's true her hair is crazy and it does look a little funny, and that means she can laugh at herself. If other people laugh you could agree with them, "yeah your right, it does look crazy!" But just because you look crazy or people laugh doesn't mean there is anything bad about you! It doesn't mean that you aren't pretty or worthy to be admired or loved.
In that conversation I thought so many things at once, I felt anger at the potential bullies she could have in the future, and hatred for the feelings she could develop towards herself that says she isn't pretty or worth anything. I felt helpless too, that I couldn't protect my baby from harm or hurt feelings. Oddly enough I also felt empowered that I could help prepare her for the harsh world and the things to come. Too much at once!!
When she said those words I literally stopped my world, got down on my knees and told her the truth that this world is mean, that you do look a little crazy, but that you are still beautiful, that you will be loved regardless your appearance or behavior, and that it's ok to laugh at yourself!! Now I just have to wait and see what kind of seed was planted, if any, and hope it turns into a strong and beautiful tree!
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