Depression

I think I have struggled with Depression for many years, though it did not come to a place of extreme until after I had Haylee. That is when the chemical imbalance became so bad that it truly threatened my life. I sought medicinal treatment and have balanced out into a healthy place. I have tired weaning off the medication many times, only to find that I am unbearable to myself and those around me. My depression transforms into anger, irritability, lack of energy to the point of laziness, and apathy. These emotions are quite scary when you are out of control. It is easier now that I am out of the darkness to explain what it was like, because now I know that there is hope.

Depression takes over every aspect of your life. It becomes your identity and your personality. It becomes who you think you really are, and thoughts of being someone else is almost a fantasy. If it had not been for the extreme anxiety as seen in my behavior and panic attacks I don't know if I would have sought treatment, even being a therapist myself. The reason being is that there seemed to be no definition of what was me and what was the depression, it was all ME! I now see that in fact the depression and the way it expressed its self through me, was never fully me or who I'm made to be. Therefore when I start seeing my symptoms of depression, I immediately assess my medication dosages, if I have missed a dose, if there is some hormonal aspect (time in my cycle), external stressors, etc. This is a reminder to myself that this behavior is not Me, this is not who I am, nor who I want to be.

Chemical Imbalances are genetic. I am certain that on both sides of my parents families there are imbalances that has caused a multitude of coping habits and behavioral traits that are unhealthy and damaging. I want my children to know that we can break this cycle, we can make it through the pain of depression and anxiety. That there is hope. It may mean intensive therapy and medical interventions, but there is hope that this pain does not have to shape who you are!