Dating

Though the subject of dating is hopefully a long way off I have to start thinking about what I would like to see happen not only in my kids decisions but in my parenting. I went to a small school of 750 K-12, and was in Kindergarten with the same 50 people till graduation. So I never dated my classmates. In fact my first boyfriend was when I was a senior in high school and he was friends with my home-schooled friends. So my dating experience is limited. But I do know that the relationships I got into later were very unhealthy and often one-sided.
It's easy to look back now and see how pointless "dating" is, and how often times it just creates heartache too soon, but I also remember the longing I had to be like other girls and to be desired and pursued. What I would love to see my girls do is to be friends with lots of guys, to not "date" per se, but to have crushes and mutual friendships.

Why do people "date"? I'm guessing it is for different reasons, but what is often the girls reason? To be loved, to be desired. This is the way that God created women, therefore making this desire pure and noble, however it must be in the proper context, which is when two become one in marriage. Though being desired by other men is an ego boost, it is empty and momentary, because they are not your life partner. But how do I explain this to my girls when they have a perspective of a middle schooler?

First off I believe that the father's relationship has a lot to do with promoting healthy relationships with the opposite sex. I think one of the biggest actions to prove their value is to make TIME for his daughters and to LISTEN to what they have to say. This means no advice, no judgements, no arguments, just questions and affirmation of feelings. This shows the daughter that their male example cherishes their time, their opinion and their feelings. This is huge for a little girl who only wants to have their father's approval. And if they know their worth by their father's behavior then they will be much more willing to condemn behavior that is not edifying.
The mother also has a chance to model behavior for their daughters. The way the mom interacts with the opposite sex, what she tolerates in language and behavior, how she dresses and behaves are all examples to her daughters on what is appropriate with the opposite sex.
The marriage itself is another example for the kids to watch and emulate. The interactions, the conflict, the resolutions, the intimacy, are all becoming "norms" for our kids. I know that this is my biggest struggle, and I'm aware how it's impacting my kids, but it is still so hard to change when it becomes a pattern.

And lastly, education. Hopefully my kids will be involved in youth groups, have wise mentors, and a good group of friends. This is where kids gain the most information. I hope that they see and hear messages that being friends is much more valuable than dating.

So what is my stance on dating?.... I believe that I will HIGHLY discourage it in high school, (middle school I'm hoping that dating just means you are BF's and GF's on facebook and at school and nothing else). But I will NOT forbid it, that promotes dissension and testing. I rather my kids make their own decisions, but within my parental guidelines. I will provide ideas like taking a group of kids mixed genders to go bowling, or watch a movie. I will open my house to have group of kids play games or watch movies. Boundaries would be no mixed genders in bedrooms at any time or behind closed doors, lights will be on, and parents will be coming in and out of rooms.
What if my daughters ask me if they can go to a movie by themselves, or start dating etc. I think that I would ask them why. I would ask why they rather do this individually than in a group, why this guy, why this time. I would try my best to ask questions so I understand what is prompting her to make that decision. If she still insists to do it individually, then I will still apply my own boundaries within reason. An awesome example of a rule of curfew came from my supervisor in grad school who has three teens. She stated that she does not have a specific curfew for every night, instead it is specific to the event or circumstance. For example, if her kids were going to a concert with a bunch of friends then she could stay out later, if the kids were just hanging out at IHOP then the time frame would be different. The parents don't even use the word curfew, they discuss with their kids the time frame, and just tell them to be home at that time.

I guess the bottom line is I want my girls to feel valued, to not give their heart or body out carelessly, to expect respect from guys, and to have a teenaged experience they can be proud of!