Though the subject of dating is hopefully a long way off I have to start thinking about what I would like to see happen not only in my kids decisions but in my parenting. I went to a small school of 750 K-12, and was in Kindergarten with the same 50 people till graduation. So I never dated my classmates. In fact my first boyfriend was when I was a senior in high school and he was friends with my home-schooled friends. So my dating experience is limited. But I do know that the relationships I got into later were very unhealthy and often one-sided.
It's easy to look back now and see how pointless "dating" is, and how often times it just creates heartache too soon, but I also remember the longing I had to be like other girls and to be desired and pursued. What I would love to see my girls do is to be friends with lots of guys, to not "date" per se, but to have crushes and mutual friendships.
Why do people "date"? I'm guessing it is for different reasons, but what is often the girls reason? To be loved, to be desired. This is the way that God created women, therefore making this desire pure and noble, however it must be in the proper context, which is when two become one in marriage. Though being desired by other men is an ego boost, it is empty and momentary, because they are not your life partner. But how do I explain this to my girls when they have a perspective of a middle schooler?
First off I believe that the father's relationship has a lot to do with promoting healthy relationships with the opposite sex. I think one of the biggest actions to prove their value is to make TIME for his daughters and to LISTEN to what they have to say. This means no advice, no judgements, no arguments, just questions and affirmation of feelings. This shows the daughter that their male example cherishes their time, their opinion and their feelings. This is huge for a little girl who only wants to have their father's approval. And if they know their worth by their father's behavior then they will be much more willing to condemn behavior that is not edifying.
The mother also has a chance to model behavior for their daughters. The way the mom interacts with the opposite sex, what she tolerates in language and behavior, how she dresses and behaves are all examples to her daughters on what is appropriate with the opposite sex.
The marriage itself is another example for the kids to watch and emulate. The interactions, the conflict, the resolutions, the intimacy, are all becoming "norms" for our kids. I know that this is my biggest struggle, and I'm aware how it's impacting my kids, but it is still so hard to change when it becomes a pattern.
And lastly, education. Hopefully my kids will be involved in youth groups, have wise mentors, and a good group of friends. This is where kids gain the most information. I hope that they see and hear messages that being friends is much more valuable than dating.
So what is my stance on dating?.... I believe that I will HIGHLY discourage it in high school, (middle school I'm hoping that dating just means you are BF's and GF's on facebook and at school and nothing else). But I will NOT forbid it, that promotes dissension and testing. I rather my kids make their own decisions, but within my parental guidelines. I will provide ideas like taking a group of kids mixed genders to go bowling, or watch a movie. I will open my house to have group of kids play games or watch movies. Boundaries would be no mixed genders in bedrooms at any time or behind closed doors, lights will be on, and parents will be coming in and out of rooms.
What if my daughters ask me if they can go to a movie by themselves, or start dating etc. I think that I would ask them why. I would ask why they rather do this individually than in a group, why this guy, why this time. I would try my best to ask questions so I understand what is prompting her to make that decision. If she still insists to do it individually, then I will still apply my own boundaries within reason. An awesome example of a rule of curfew came from my supervisor in grad school who has three teens. She stated that she does not have a specific curfew for every night, instead it is specific to the event or circumstance. For example, if her kids were going to a concert with a bunch of friends then she could stay out later, if the kids were just hanging out at IHOP then the time frame would be different. The parents don't even use the word curfew, they discuss with their kids the time frame, and just tell them to be home at that time.
I guess the bottom line is I want my girls to feel valued, to not give their heart or body out carelessly, to expect respect from guys, and to have a teenaged experience they can be proud of!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Depression
I think I have struggled with Depression for many years, though it did not come to a place of extreme until after I had Haylee. That is when the chemical imbalance became so bad that it truly threatened my life. I sought medicinal treatment and have balanced out into a healthy place. I have tired weaning off the medication many times, only to find that I am unbearable to myself and those around me. My depression transforms into anger, irritability, lack of energy to the point of laziness, and apathy. These emotions are quite scary when you are out of control. It is easier now that I am out of the darkness to explain what it was like, because now I know that there is hope.
Depression takes over every aspect of your life. It becomes your identity and your personality. It becomes who you think you really are, and thoughts of being someone else is almost a fantasy. If it had not been for the extreme anxiety as seen in my behavior and panic attacks I don't know if I would have sought treatment, even being a therapist myself. The reason being is that there seemed to be no definition of what was me and what was the depression, it was all ME! I now see that in fact the depression and the way it expressed its self through me, was never fully me or who I'm made to be. Therefore when I start seeing my symptoms of depression, I immediately assess my medication dosages, if I have missed a dose, if there is some hormonal aspect (time in my cycle), external stressors, etc. This is a reminder to myself that this behavior is not Me, this is not who I am, nor who I want to be.
Chemical Imbalances are genetic. I am certain that on both sides of my parents families there are imbalances that has caused a multitude of coping habits and behavioral traits that are unhealthy and damaging. I want my children to know that we can break this cycle, we can make it through the pain of depression and anxiety. That there is hope. It may mean intensive therapy and medical interventions, but there is hope that this pain does not have to shape who you are!
Depression takes over every aspect of your life. It becomes your identity and your personality. It becomes who you think you really are, and thoughts of being someone else is almost a fantasy. If it had not been for the extreme anxiety as seen in my behavior and panic attacks I don't know if I would have sought treatment, even being a therapist myself. The reason being is that there seemed to be no definition of what was me and what was the depression, it was all ME! I now see that in fact the depression and the way it expressed its self through me, was never fully me or who I'm made to be. Therefore when I start seeing my symptoms of depression, I immediately assess my medication dosages, if I have missed a dose, if there is some hormonal aspect (time in my cycle), external stressors, etc. This is a reminder to myself that this behavior is not Me, this is not who I am, nor who I want to be.
Chemical Imbalances are genetic. I am certain that on both sides of my parents families there are imbalances that has caused a multitude of coping habits and behavioral traits that are unhealthy and damaging. I want my children to know that we can break this cycle, we can make it through the pain of depression and anxiety. That there is hope. It may mean intensive therapy and medical interventions, but there is hope that this pain does not have to shape who you are!
Promotes healing
Children repair parts in our hearts we didn't even know where broken.
They provide healing with their smiles and laughter.
They give strength when they are burdened and fearful.
They create completion, wholeness and hope!
August 8th, 2010
Search my Heart
"Since the Lord is directing our steps, why try to understand everything that happens along the way?" -Proverbs 20:24 (Living Bible translation)
Do you realize that you are not to walk by your feelings but simply by the naked, unadulterated truth of what God says?
Feelings play a powerful role in our lives, but they must be weighed against the reality of God's word and His wisdom. Trusting our feelings, which can shift like waves in a wind-tossed storm, can destroy relationships, take lives and render a person impotent and unable to cope with everyday situations of life. Feelings can keep you from attaining the calling God has on your life. They can keep you from stepping out in faith. Perhaps your feelings are out of control because of a hormonal or chemical imbalance. Or perhaps you have believed one of Satan's lies. Check with your doctor and check in the Word of God. Whatever the cause, God tells you to bring every thought, every feeling captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). If you will believe God's word-no matter what your feelings-victory will come.
-June 9th, year unknown
Do you realize that you are not to walk by your feelings but simply by the naked, unadulterated truth of what God says?
Feelings play a powerful role in our lives, but they must be weighed against the reality of God's word and His wisdom. Trusting our feelings, which can shift like waves in a wind-tossed storm, can destroy relationships, take lives and render a person impotent and unable to cope with everyday situations of life. Feelings can keep you from attaining the calling God has on your life. They can keep you from stepping out in faith. Perhaps your feelings are out of control because of a hormonal or chemical imbalance. Or perhaps you have believed one of Satan's lies. Check with your doctor and check in the Word of God. Whatever the cause, God tells you to bring every thought, every feeling captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). If you will believe God's word-no matter what your feelings-victory will come.
-June 9th, year unknown
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Life Lessons
The kids and I were shopping after Christmas this year. While in the store Haylee and sophie's hair had a lot of static in it. When haylee found out that her hair was sticking up all over the place, she immediately wanted to go put water on it. I asked her why she wanted to do that so badly, she explained that she didn't want people to laugh at her because of her crazy hair. My heart stopped. haylee is 4, and yet she has already developed a sense of self-consciousness. This is such a fallen world, i have to remind myself. She has slowly developed the curse that God talked about in the Garden after the fall, the recognition of being Naked. I knew the day would come, but so soon, really??
I knew in that moment that I had a chance for education and promotion of healthy identity. So I told her no one would laugh at her. But then i realized that is not true, there will always be people who would laugh.
So I then told her that everyone has static hair in the winter time, that it is normal. Again I promote a false sense of security, when the truth is though it is normal, not everyone will have "crazy hair," therefore providing potential to feel more different and unworthy.
So I gave her the best I could, even if people laugh it's ok! I said that it's true her hair is crazy and it does look a little funny, and that means she can laugh at herself. If other people laugh you could agree with them, "yeah your right, it does look crazy!" But just because you look crazy or people laugh doesn't mean there is anything bad about you! It doesn't mean that you aren't pretty or worthy to be admired or loved.
In that conversation I thought so many things at once, I felt anger at the potential bullies she could have in the future, and hatred for the feelings she could develop towards herself that says she isn't pretty or worth anything. I felt helpless too, that I couldn't protect my baby from harm or hurt feelings. Oddly enough I also felt empowered that I could help prepare her for the harsh world and the things to come. Too much at once!!
When she said those words I literally stopped my world, got down on my knees and told her the truth that this world is mean, that you do look a little crazy, but that you are still beautiful, that you will be loved regardless your appearance or behavior, and that it's ok to laugh at yourself!! Now I just have to wait and see what kind of seed was planted, if any, and hope it turns into a strong and beautiful tree!
I knew in that moment that I had a chance for education and promotion of healthy identity. So I told her no one would laugh at her. But then i realized that is not true, there will always be people who would laugh.
So I then told her that everyone has static hair in the winter time, that it is normal. Again I promote a false sense of security, when the truth is though it is normal, not everyone will have "crazy hair," therefore providing potential to feel more different and unworthy.
So I gave her the best I could, even if people laugh it's ok! I said that it's true her hair is crazy and it does look a little funny, and that means she can laugh at herself. If other people laugh you could agree with them, "yeah your right, it does look crazy!" But just because you look crazy or people laugh doesn't mean there is anything bad about you! It doesn't mean that you aren't pretty or worthy to be admired or loved.
In that conversation I thought so many things at once, I felt anger at the potential bullies she could have in the future, and hatred for the feelings she could develop towards herself that says she isn't pretty or worth anything. I felt helpless too, that I couldn't protect my baby from harm or hurt feelings. Oddly enough I also felt empowered that I could help prepare her for the harsh world and the things to come. Too much at once!!
When she said those words I literally stopped my world, got down on my knees and told her the truth that this world is mean, that you do look a little crazy, but that you are still beautiful, that you will be loved regardless your appearance or behavior, and that it's ok to laugh at yourself!! Now I just have to wait and see what kind of seed was planted, if any, and hope it turns into a strong and beautiful tree!
Fear of Death
Being a Christian they say you shouldn't fear death. Well that is partially true for me. I don't fear death because I know that Heaven awaits, that means no more fear, pain or torment. But what fear remains is loosing my kids to death, or me loosing the opportunity to grow old with them.
So my fear is selfish I see now writing it out, but is it not also selfish to desire heaven, to desire no pain and no fear? Not certain I know the answer to that.
The beauty and the tragedy of having children is truly the value they have for you. A quote given to me by my friend Caroline states it all:
So my fear is selfish I see now writing it out, but is it not also selfish to desire heaven, to desire no pain and no fear? Not certain I know the answer to that.
The beauty and the tragedy of having children is truly the value they have for you. A quote given to me by my friend Caroline states it all:
"Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous!
It is to decide forever to have your heart to go
walking outside of your body"
Elizabeth Stone
Your smiles, laughter, even tantrums are amazing to me. There is no joy that compares to that. I just pray that I bring you comfort, and prepare you for the world. I hope that you grow up strong in faith, and in yourself. I pray that you recognize your worth and beauty even if it isn't like others. You are truly my heart, and I pray that you are solid and fruitful!
As for me, know my children that if God decides to take me home, that I do not fear death, nor even the pain that could happen during my death, because pain is fleeting but heaven is absolute. Know that I have been blessed beyond any words with your love. And I am so proud of who you are and what I know you are going to become, because you require no changing or manipulating to become great and worthy. You already are, because you are not only my child, but you are a child of God's and He makes perfection every single time! I love you!
The Thorn
"A thorn allowed to fester promotes infection and damage. A thorn needs to be purified and cleansed. This can only truly be done by God, only then can we live amidst the pain and brokenness the thorn created. The thorn will always remain, how we care for the aliment will determine the overall health of the individual." October 4, 2010
What's your "Cross to bear" or "Thorn in the flesh"? How are you treating it or inflaming it? Is it innate or environmentally created?
What's your "Cross to bear" or "Thorn in the flesh"? How are you treating it or inflaming it? Is it innate or environmentally created?
Cargo and Storms
I had a new client come in for a consultation. I could only see her one time prior to the semester ending. She was referred by a previous client that I had seen who had similar struggles. They both struggled with finding peace. They both thought that the reason behind this lack of peace was their boy relationships. In both cases I determined that the guys where both great, and were respectful, patient, and in love with these girls. During this consultation the client told me that I had given the previous client great wisdom concerning her behavior and the root of her problem.
"You are like a ship going down in the middle of the ocean. You can't determine what is causing the ship to sink, so you do the first thing that comes to you, get rid of the cargo! You continue to throw everything overboard with the hope that it will save the ship. What you fail to see is the hole in the bottom of the haul that continues to take on water. You could rid your rig of everything but still sink to the depths all because you are ignoring the only real problem you have, the hole! In your case, that hole is many things that we still need to determine. My assumption is that it has to do with self-worth, confidence and identity. In the meantime don't get rid of the things that could potentially save you and add comfort amidst your storm!!! "
I have to admit that that piece of wisdom came from my mouth but was lead by the Spirit. During the consult the client told me that when told that by the previous client it gave her such peace and direction-which again confirms it was the Spirit moving! This parable reminded me that often in times of trials or storms we tend to get rid of the things that are closest to us, whether relationships, environments, even cosmetic things (i.e. Me, I do something different with my hair, cut it or dye it, weird i know!), in order to provide any sense of control and hope. In Luke 8:22-25 it tells the story of Jesus and how he calmed the storm. After He calmed the sea, He stated "where is your faith?"v25a, then the disciples point out"who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey Him?" v25b. For God commanding nature is just a matter of waving His hands, and stating to be still, therefore taking on our crisis should be just as easy.
Sticking with the analogy, don't abandon your cargo, instead stand firm on your Faith. Those people closest to you could be a great sense of peace amidst your crisis.
"You are like a ship going down in the middle of the ocean. You can't determine what is causing the ship to sink, so you do the first thing that comes to you, get rid of the cargo! You continue to throw everything overboard with the hope that it will save the ship. What you fail to see is the hole in the bottom of the haul that continues to take on water. You could rid your rig of everything but still sink to the depths all because you are ignoring the only real problem you have, the hole! In your case, that hole is many things that we still need to determine. My assumption is that it has to do with self-worth, confidence and identity. In the meantime don't get rid of the things that could potentially save you and add comfort amidst your storm!!! "
I have to admit that that piece of wisdom came from my mouth but was lead by the Spirit. During the consult the client told me that when told that by the previous client it gave her such peace and direction-which again confirms it was the Spirit moving! This parable reminded me that often in times of trials or storms we tend to get rid of the things that are closest to us, whether relationships, environments, even cosmetic things (i.e. Me, I do something different with my hair, cut it or dye it, weird i know!), in order to provide any sense of control and hope. In Luke 8:22-25 it tells the story of Jesus and how he calmed the storm. After He calmed the sea, He stated "where is your faith?"v25a, then the disciples point out"who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey Him?" v25b. For God commanding nature is just a matter of waving His hands, and stating to be still, therefore taking on our crisis should be just as easy.
Sticking with the analogy, don't abandon your cargo, instead stand firm on your Faith. Those people closest to you could be a great sense of peace amidst your crisis.
Picture Perfect
You know when you look at a picture of a family or couple and they look so happy, and you tend to think about their circumstances and life based on the picture you are looking at. It hit me last night when watching a couple take pictures and look so utterly happy, when I know how miserable they both are. It made me rethink all those assumptions I have made about others, and their apparent happiness. I am a person who likes to compare oneself to others, and when I see what I think is contentment and peace it makes me think that I am doing something wrong, because I don't always have that. I become jealous and start determining where I went wrong with my choices and my behavior that has deterred me from having that type of happiness. Then in a moment it hit me, that perception is not always reality. Ok so it seems like that is a natural thought, but when you are fighting with yourself about your imperfections, rationale is the last thing that you have.
So what I have started doing is instead of attempting to eliminate my inclination to compare, though this will be a future goal, I started a mantra of all the good I do have...I have a great house, I have a great job, I have great kids, I have a great husband, I have a great friend group, I have food to eat, I have...this provides clarity, it gives me perspective, and it gives me contentment. Isn't that what it is about?
I do believe I'm blessed, I know those blessings come from God. And those blessings are my contentment. That is not to say that I can't have days where I pout and wish some things were different, but I don't allow myself to stay in that place nor give those thoughts too much power.
Realize my beloveds, that you have everything you need to be content, the only thing that blocks this is selfishness and greed. Those things are not of God, and will never give you peace as long as you allow them in your life. On the hard days, list the things in your life that you do have, even if it isn't exactly what you want. Give yourself perspective, and hopefully you will regain your peace~
So what I have started doing is instead of attempting to eliminate my inclination to compare, though this will be a future goal, I started a mantra of all the good I do have...I have a great house, I have a great job, I have great kids, I have a great husband, I have a great friend group, I have food to eat, I have...this provides clarity, it gives me perspective, and it gives me contentment. Isn't that what it is about?
I do believe I'm blessed, I know those blessings come from God. And those blessings are my contentment. That is not to say that I can't have days where I pout and wish some things were different, but I don't allow myself to stay in that place nor give those thoughts too much power.
Realize my beloveds, that you have everything you need to be content, the only thing that blocks this is selfishness and greed. Those things are not of God, and will never give you peace as long as you allow them in your life. On the hard days, list the things in your life that you do have, even if it isn't exactly what you want. Give yourself perspective, and hopefully you will regain your peace~
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