Seeds

" If your not satisfied with what you have today, then think about what type of seed you planted. What you have today is what you planted yesterday." (Sometime in 2002)
I wonder how my life got to where it is. It is not where i thought I would be. Does that mean it is terrible? No, definitely not. But do I wish I would have done some very big things differently? Absolutely. So what type of "Seeds" did I plant that created my current circumstance? I have some ideas, but when i think of them I feel regret, and that I don't believe is healthy. It might just be the "grass is greener" theory, but the feelings are beyond the cognitive rationale. The dissonance is in that I regret but am happy. So do I hope that my kids do not follow in my footsteps, even if it leads them to happiness?.....Yes. "For if I gain the world, but lose my soul, then it is worth nothing." (Matthew 16:26)

I want you to test boundaries and determine your identity with choices, but I want also for you to still be proud of yourself afterward, and not allow your "experimenting" to cripple your self-worth later. How can I enforce boundaries while allowing freedom to fail? How can I warn you about choices without cutting off communication? And how can I allow you to fail in front of me and not fix it for you? Ugh.....Here's the deal, I want you to get bruised and cut by this world. God knows it's not because I'm a sadist, but instead a realist and most importantly because I love you. I want you to have depth to your feelings that only trials can create. And I want you to be able to provide comfort to others who will also experience the same feelings that you have. And most of all I want you to have HOPE, sometimes that can be gained after experiencing lack of it. And that is the scariest thing of all, for I lived in darkness once, and it is a place I never wish for my beloved to go, but I must come to terms with the idea that it might be necessary. My prayer then is that you do not stay there long...

Proven

A beautiful quote given to me in a special letter of encouragement, "...Paige know who you are in Christ. It makes me want to cry tears of joy, God has proven Himself just in you...." This statement means so much more to me now that I have children. There are no feelings that compare to those when you look at your child. If I have ever doubted the existence of God there would be no doubt that He is real due to the awesomeness that is my children. They have a glow about them that cannot be explained, but just radiates from their presence. Others can't see it, just the eyes of their parents can discern it.
But here remains the truth, God had nothing to prove to me, but He did it none the less and in the way that I would see the best. That is how it will be for my kids. You will have your own personal experience to have the veil removed. And the choice will be up to you. Imagine the agony of allowing your child to make the biggest decision on their own?! I so badly want to push you to it, and help you make it. But that may just drive you further away from the truth, and into the arms of the deceiver which is so prevalent in our world. "Seek and you shall find." (Matthew 7:7)